


Love And All Its Meanings

by hansungchan



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Fluff, M/M, Realizations, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:46:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24895627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hansungchan/pseuds/hansungchan
Summary: The eight times Renjun tried to understand the true meaning of love with Lee Jeno. And the one time he finally gets it right.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 36
Kudos: 81





	Love And All Its Meanings

**Author's Note:**

> Expect grammatical errors ahead. I’ve no time to edit and correct some of them. Hopefully, there are not a lot of them and they’re easy to ignore loool. Still, enjoy reading!

“ _ **Loving you is falling (hard).”**_

Huang Renjun is never one to believe in love at first sight. Attraction is one thing, love is another. So when he first met Lee Jeno on his first day as a freshman in high school, the Chinese male never thought much about it. Though Jeno is attractive, that’s one thing he can’t deny. With his eyes forming in a charming shape of crescents whenever he smiles, and a fit and lean body despite their young age that girls would like. Jeno had a really manly voice too. However, Renjun prefers to look far beyond those aspects that will fade in time. So Lee Jeno was never a love interest. Not when he and Renjun never had a proper interaction save for the occasional greetings at the hallways and questions regarding projects and lectures. Renjun hangs in a different crowd. And so is Jeno.

The first two years were spent just like that. Sharing nothing in common but a classroom and subjects.

Things took a turn when they become juniors. Renjun is separated from his friends who all shared the same class except for him who was placed in a different one. Jeno, again, is in the same class as him. Except this time he’s alone too, like Renjun. The tall and another pretty face of a boy who Jeno often hangs out with is nowhere to be seen. So when everyone is asked to pair up for their Science Laboratory class, Jeno and Renjun ended up together as they are the only one who has no friends in that class.

The awkwardness is so thick between them Renjun wonders if this is even a good idea. Sure enough, sharing a class for the last two years doesn’t make you automatically friends with your classmates. Still, Renjun initiates a conversation. Starting with a light one, “I hope you’re good at Science because man, I suck at it.”

“In that case, we’re both done then.”

Renjun released an easy laugh with Jeno’s response. “I’m Huang Renjun, by the way. In case you haven’t noticed me raising my hand and answering “Here” whenever the teachers call that name for the last two years.”

It was Jeno’s turn to laugh this time. “Yeah, and I’m Lee Jeno. In case you haven’t heard me answering at the roll call of my name from the back of the class either.”

They started with that small conversation, still on a getting-to-know each other stage despite the last couple of years of being together in the same class. Renjun realized Jeno is more than his looks. Maybe that’s when his attraction for the handsome boy truly bloomed.

Talking to Lee Jeno after that first one gets easier. As they not only talk about school projects and assignments anymore, nor do they simply nod at each other as a greeting on the hallways. Jeno started to ask more personal and private information about the Chinese. And Renjun would answer in delight. He’s happy to share his hobbies and favorites with the boy. And Jeno is always a good and attentive listener. Now when they see each other in the hallways, or somehow they both enter the school gates at the same time, the two would be lost in their own world. Reaching their destination before they knew it.

“So Jaemin is accepted as a foreign exchange student in New York?” I asked while we were working for a paper in the library.

“Yeah. He’ll stay there for a year. If the administrators saw his potential and chose him among the other foreign students, there’s a good chance he’ll get his diploma in New York too. Maybe earn a scholarship to a good university.”

“That’s cool. It’s not everyday you get a chance like that. I’m glad he took it.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

When Renjun looks up, he can’t help but feel sad upon seeing the usual glow in Jeno’s eyes diminish at the mention of his best friend. Doing what he thinks is best to comfort someone, he reached out his hand to Jeno’s, giving it a gentle squeeze while flashing a soft smile to the other. The worries that he might have done it wrong is washed away by the kind smile Jeno threw him followed by a soft press on his hand above his.

Renjun is quick to retract his hands, allowing himself to cover his face with the Science book in pretense of reading. He heard Jeno chuckle at his action. And despite the loud beating of his heart and weird senses stirring in his stomach, Renjun smiled at the sound.

As a person whose love life is as dull as the color white, Renjun really had no clue how to tell if you’re falling for somebody. He always thought the idea will simply present itself on its own. At the most random time. Where you’ll simply think of that someone, smile on your own, then suddenly, _“Ah. I’m in love with that person.”_ Nothing really romantic and dramatic no matter how much rom-coms show them to be. He just doesn’t expect that realization will come to him on one of his rainy days.

Not in a literal sense that it’s actually raining, per se. But that day is a gloomy one. The kind where Renjun cannot see the silver linings hidden behind dark clouds. Where things are especially cold, and Renjun feels like crying.

It doesn’t help he got the lowest score on the surprise quiz in Geometry. Renjun is embarrassed when the teacher called him out for it. He did not bother to join his friends for lunch. Instead, he opts the peace and silence the rooftop offers. So he stayed there, even if it means actually spending the day like a loser that he is for moping around.

He just doesn’t expect Lee Jeno to follow him and stay with him under the clear sky.

“What are you doing here?” Renjun asked, bewildered, when Jeno sat on the pieces of laid cartons beside him.

“Sitting with you?”

“Well, obviously. But why are you here?” Renjun raised a brow at that.

Jeno’s response came in the form of shrugging and smiling. That gentle smile of his that never fail to make Renjun’s heart racing. “Just thought you might want company.”

“What if I don’t?” he challenged.

“Oh boy, everyone wants a friend to confide to every time they failed an exam. Or a quiz. Here.” Jeno handed Renjun a piece of paper. To which Renjun curiously take a look at.

“What’s... this?” he asked upon seeing a few lines written at the paper.

“They are famous lines people say to comfort their friends when they fail on exams. Tell me the number of which one you wanna hear, I got them all memorized before coming here.” Jeno winked.

“Ugh, you’re stupid.” But there’s an obvious smile on Renjun’s face when he said that.

“Oh come ooon. Gimme a number.”

Renjun glared before looking at the paper again, finding the longest line out of all six choices. “Three.”

Jeno smiled, eyes remain trained on Renjun that for a while, Renjun forgot why he was even down in the first place. Until Jeno spoke. “It’s okay, Renjun.”

“You’re a scam, you know that? That’s not even on the choices!” Renjun tried to ignore the fact how those three words affected him more than he’ll ever let on.

But Jeno had other plans. Crossing the distance between them, Jeno put his arms around Renjun’s, tapping the smaller’s shoulder in a comforting manner. “But it’s really okay. Who needs these stupid lines anyway? Sometimes the realest thing we can say is it’s okay. Even if you feel like it’s not. _It’s okay._ ”

Renjun cried. Not because of his stupid score in Algebra. But because of Lee Jeno’s presence. He let his tears fall when he felt his hands warmly wrapped around his frame, pulling him into an embrace that allows him to cry freely in Jeno’s chest. He’s crying because Lee Jeno’s voice is so soothing, so good, so comforting that he just wants to hear it forever.

And that’s when it settled him. He’s falling. _Hard_. He has been falling since Lee Jeno asked him his favorite ice cream flavor. Has been falling since Lee Jeno spoke about his dreams. Has been falling since the day Lee Jeno was paired up with him in Science Laboratory.

“It’s okay. You’ll be fine, Renjun. I’m here,” Jeno would whisper against his ears.

And maybe it is okay. Maybe Jeno is right. He _will_ be fine.

“ _ **Loving you is taking a risk.”**_

“How do you confess to someone that you like them?”

Lee Donghyuck almost spits out the tea he’s currently drinking. Once calmed down, he made sure to throw his best friend a what-the-fuck look. Renjun, surprisingly, is unfazed and _seriously waiting_ for an answer.

“Are you kidding me?!” Donghyuck shrieked.

“Can you just answer my question please?” Renjun said without blinking an eye.

“Uh... let’s see.” Donghyuck tried to come up with a helpful answer to his best friend’s _weird_ question. “Just tell them you love them?”

“Yah Lee Donghyuck! Can’t you think of anything better than that?!” the Chinese male whined.

Donghyuck merely rolled his eyes before sipping on his tea. “You’re basically asking me how to confess to someone. What’s the better way to do it than _telling_ them how you feel? Perhaps bring a box of chocolate too or a flower, some cheesy shits like that. I don’t know man.”

“Ugh you’re useless,” Renjun groaned, resting his cheek on the cold surface of the table in front of him. He’s hopeless.

“I mean what’s there to do? The main point of confessing is, well, _confessing_. But hey, if you wanna do it in a cheesy romantic way there’s always the internet, you know?”

Renjun doesn’t know, honestly. He’s still new to all of these. Two months prior he realized he’s falling for Lee Jeno. And now, here he is. Asking his best friend how to properly confess. He’s thinking of confessing when he doesn’t even know if he had a chance to begin with! He mentally groaned. Love is... hard.

“Is it Lee Jeno?”

“How did you know?” Renjun is quick to look at his best friend who now had a teasing smile on his lips and a pair of eyes that says I-knew-something-bitch.

“Who wouldn’t when every time you’d look at Jeno as if he hung the stars in the sky?”

“Are you the only one who knows about this?”

“Nah. Chenle and Jisung might be younger but they ain’t blind hun.”

“Am I that obvious?” Renjun pouted.

“So obvious I wonder how Jeno hasn’t realized it yet.”

Falling for someone is easy. But what comes after, or if there is “something” to follow after, is hard to know. It’s not like Renjun had his hopes up. But the way Jeno treats him like he’s the most precious being in the world (at least that’s what Jeno made him feel like), he cannot deny the hope budding in his chest that _maybe_ there’s more to that than a person simply caring for his friend.

Because everyday Renjun is falling, and everyday the feeling intensifies. To the point he’d find himself overwhelmed with the emotion he just wanted to blurt out those three words that would change his relationship with Jeno forever. He wanted to say it one month ago when they were walking to the school gates, in the middle of Jeno cracking a joke that made Renjun’s heart flutter in joy. He wanted to say it three weeks ago when they were eating their favorite ice cream. He felt the words at the tip of his tongue when Jeno lend him his jacket last week when they walk out of school under the chilly breeze of the wind. He wanted to kiss Jeno yesterday while the other was so focused on writing notes in the library, his long eyelashes flapping so gracefully Renjun thinks it is so unreal. Lee Jeno is unreal.

Even now, on their way to the cafeteria, Renjun wanted to scream “I love you” on Jeno’s face. Probably kiss him and pull him into a tight embrace. God, he was so ruined for.

God knows what would happen if he so much as act on his feeling towards the other. Best case scenario, Jeno wouldn’t hate him. Maybe he’d just ignore it and reject Renjun in a _very_ polite way. Perhaps they’d still be the best buds and will continue on their usual hangouts. Worst case scenario, Jeno would hate him. He’d reject Renjun and ignore him forever. They won’t be friends anymore and things will go back to the former short greetings at the hallways and awkward asking regarding projects and homeworks.

It’s scary. How three words can change so much into relationships built by time.

“And I just wanna use our remaining time to announce a job well done for Lee Jeno and Huang Renjun. Congratulations, you two. You got the highest grade for your experiment and presentation.”

All of their classmates looked at the pair, all eyes mixed with variety of emotions such as envy, amazement, indifference, and even happiness. Ms. Seo, their teacher for their Science Lab, is clapping in front. Her usual scary and cold eyes come with a gentle glow and a pure delight for the success of the two. Jeno and Renjun would have jumped in joy right then and there if not for the embarrassment that is sure to follow because _wow_. They did not expect all of their hard work and weekends spent working on their final requirement to pay off like this.

So when Ms. Seo gave back their paper with a grade of 97 written in red marker, Jeno and Renjun decided to celebrate and eat at their favorite ice cream parlor after school. It has become their daily routine for the past months to go to the ice cream parlor across the street whenever one of them is feeling sad, or if there is something to celebrate.

They ordered their usual triple chocolate ice cream with walnuts.

“Wow, I didn’t expect this. This is the highest grade I’ve ever got in my whole three years in high school!” Jeno exclaimed, still can’t believe the 97 mark written on their paper. “I gotta tell Jaemin about this.”

“Me too. It’s all thanks to you. You made the PowerPoint. It’s obvious Ms. Seo liked the design.” Renjun grins.

“Are you kidding me? It’s your awesome presentation itself and explanation that woo Ms. Seo!”

Chuckling, Renjun eyed the ice cream being served on their table. “Yeah well, seems like we’re the perfect partners after all.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

Renjun would have never thought he’d agree with Donghyuck once and for all. To something even that will determine the outcome of his growing feelings for Jeno. However, when Jeno wiped the excess of ice cream at the corner of his mouth, Renjun realized one thing. To determine the result, you have to present your thoughts.

You have to be brave to tell it. You have to take a risk.

So he said it. Without any more thinking, offering not a box of chocolates or a bouquet of flowers, but three words that he hoped would reach Jeno’s heart.

“I love you.”

Jeno froze, his spoonful of ice cream hanging midair as he gave Renjun a look of confusion. He then placed down the spoon, simply staring, and quietly telling Renjun to continue.

‘ _It’s now or never.’_ “Not in an I love you because you’re my friend kind of way. But in an I love you I hope you accept my heart kind of way.”

The following minutes were spent in pure silence. Renjun never felt tense. He hated how time seemed to stop then as to how it felt it does in every Mathematics related class Renjun had. Looking down on his melting ice cream, the Chinese male is ready to swallow the bitter pit of rejection that is sure to happen. Why did he even hope in the first place? Jeno only thinks of him as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

But then Jeno had his fingers lifting up Renjun’s chin. And Renjun is too surprised to realize how Jeno bent down, closing the distance between them, before placing a chaste kiss on his lips.

“I love you too, Huang Renjun. I have been for the past few months now.”

Jeno looks so happy. His eyes glimmering in a different kind of light. And he had this widest grin ever that had him showing his set of pearly white teeth to Renjun. And then he’s leaning over again. And oh, _he’s kissing Renjun for the second time_.

Renjun never felt so happy. That day, he did not only score the highest grade in his three years of being in high school. But he also gets to keep Lee Jeno’s heart. Hopefully, forever.

Indeed, you cannot achieve something without doing anything. Renjun learns something new. Sometimes loving means taking a risk. Jumping into the abyss that shows no guarantee if you will survive or not. Still, you’ll never know. Unless you jump.

Renjun got lucky Jeno is waiting on the other end, ready to catch him when he falls.

“ _ **Loving you is dreaming.”**_

“Happy first anniversary, love!”

Renjun blinked a few times as soon as Jeno removed his hands that covers his eyes. Once he cleared his vision, his mouth formed an “o” upon the sight that greets him. Renjun’s heart clenches, in a painfully good way. He found himself jumping onto Jeno’s arms the next second, tears streaming on his face.

“God, Lee Jeno. I love you so much,” Renjun sobs against the other’s neck.

Jeno regained his composure after being taken aback by the sudden weight of Renjun in his arms. The Korean chuckled, running his palms on Renjun’s back. “Why’re you crying? Did you not like my surprise?”

“You’re stupid. How could I not like it? I’m crying because I love it so much it hurts because you’re so perfect and god what did I do to deserve you?” Renjun simply rambled on his words.

Jeno’s laughs rang on Renjun’s ears. _‘Since when did laughter sound this beautiful? Or is it just Jeno?’_ Renjun wonders. Still, he can’t help the tears flowing freely on his cheeks. It’s been one year and yet he can’t believe this man in his arms is his.

One year since his non-extravagant confession in their favorite ice cream parlor. How would Renjun know that a year after that he would be jumping into Jeno’s arms in happiness, whispering I love you freely onto his ears, and celebrating one year of their relationship?

Renjun has no plans really. It’s Friday and the whole week has been hell for both of them. Being a senior is stressful and time consuming that Renjun solely manages to write Jeno a love letter where he pours his all heart to. Nothing really big was planned, only a dinner date once their classes ended.

But Jeno... he never fails to surprise Renjun. In the basement of Jeno’s family house, the once dirty space is now polished clean and what was once a scent of dusty woods now smells of lavender. It is dark in the basement but with the fairy lights decorating the walls and the ceilings, the once creepy basement Renjun is always afraid to go to whenever he visits became one that came out of a fairytale. Then there’s a wall full of pictures of the two of them over the past 12 months they shared together. Each labeled with a note that serves as a caption for each photograph. A cushion was laid at the center along with a few sheets and plushies and a thick blanket to cover its user. In front of it is a projector connected to Jeno’s laptop, accompanied by a bottle of wine and a few snacks in a bowl. Balloons that displayed a “Happy 1st Anniversary” were hanging at the walls.

“This is so... amazing, Jeno. How did you prepare all of this, we’re all so busy,” Renjun began once he was calm enough to climb out of Jeno.

Jeno had a confident smile on his face when he shrugs. “I had my parents and sister to help me. Besides, this is nothing big really. I just did some changes in this dirty old basement. Hopefully, this is good enough for a date? We can just watch movies. I made popcorn.”

“This is more than enough, silly. Now I’m a little embarrassed the only thing I was able to give you was a letter.”

“Don’t be like that. That letter is the most precious thing you could give me. I’d treasure it forever, maybe read it all the time even,” Jeno wrapped his arms around Renjun’s waist and boop his nose with the other.

Renjun smiles. “Good. So you could be reminded every time how much I love you. Happy first and advance happy second, and third, and fourth, and for many more to come.”

After watching their third Marvel movie, the one Renjun is not much of a fan of but he doesn’t mind being a witness to Jeno’s cute reactions whenever a fight scene ensues, both Jeno and Renjun simply sat there as the ending credits roll by. Jeno had his arms draped over Renjun whose sleep is slowly consuming him, the Chinese head on Jeno’s muscular shoulder.

It was at times like that, an interval between peace, comfort, and happiness, that Renjun asks the most random questions.

“Jeno, what is your dream?”

“Hmm? Thought I told you that?” Jeno traces shapes on Renjun’s shoulder, earning a sigh of pleasure from the smaller.

“Oh yeah. You said you want to be a pilot. But other than that, what is your dream? It would be sad if it simply ends there.”

“Well, if you really want to know, there is one dream that recently started to grow inside me.”

Renjun looks up, his eyes meeting Jeno’s whose already staring down at him. “What is it?”

Jeno’s eyes are as bright and lovely as the numbers of fairy lights surrounding them in that small space of a room. “I dream of being your man.”

Renjun blushes, still, he giggled and slapped Jeno’s arms lightly. “But you’re already my man.”

“I know. But it’s a position I dream to keep. _Forever._ ”

Can Renjun be considered a dreamer too? If he, too, desperately dreams for Jeno to achieve that dream of being his man forever.

“Congratulations, Graduates! May you all find the path that rightfully belongs to you!”

Once the school’s principal finished his speech on the stage, everyone claps. It’s a different kind of joy that fills a student’s heart on their graduation day. It’s a joy of success, of relief that says I made it, even if there’s a bigger and stronger hurdle waiting to cross.

“We finally graduated, guys! I am so happy I might tear up!” Donghyuck screamed, running to hug Renjun and Jeno in his arms.

“You’re already tearing up, Hyuck,” Renjun pointed out.

“Ugh shut up! Anyway, where should we go after guys? Chenle and Jisung are waiting outside, the guards won’t let them in! Jisung is flooding me with text messages right now. That kid can _never_ wait.”

“Give him a break, Hyuck. Chenle and Jisung waited for the whole four hours outside. Anyone would be pissed if they are kept waiting longer. But yeah for your question, Jeno here invited us,” Renjun look at his boyfriend lovingly.

“My mom’s prepared a small celebration. Only friends and close relatives are invited. She specifically asked me to invite you guys. She cooked a lot,” Jeno confirmed.

“It’s settled then! Let’s go! By the way, I _love_ your mom’s cooking Jeno! I hope she makes pasta. I love her pasta...”

As Donghyuck continuously rambled on our way to the exit, Renjun discreetly reached for Jeno’s hand. Entwining their fingers together, Renjun couldn’t help but think of how this day is one of the happiest in his life.

He graduated, made it through the four years of high school with his friends. And most importantly, with Jeno. Someone he only thinks of as a pretty face on his first day of school. But now, Jeno became that person he’s holding hands with as he walked out of the place that served as his second home with a diploma in his hand.

“What happens now?” Renjun asked Jeno later that night when the celebration died down and Jeno is driving Renjun back to his house.

“What do you mean?” Jeno’s eyes remained focused on the road.

Renjun bit his lips. Sure it is a fun day, but now that the celebrations and congratulations are over, the Chinese can’t help but worry about the unknown. What would happen next? Jeno received a scholarship to a university different from the one Renjun would go to. Jeno has always wanted to become a pilot. And it’s a good opportunity knowing that university excels in that field. It’s Jeno’s dream school. Renjun doesn’t have it in him to take that away from the other.

Guess he’s just afraid of the changes after all.

Once they reach Renjun’s house, they both bid goodbye to each other. Renjun opens the passenger door, but before he could hop out of the car, Jeno is quick to pull Renjun for a deep and passionate kiss.

Their lips moved together, dancing in a rhythm they both preferred. It’s intoxicating, it’s like Renjun is dreaming. Jeno’s lips is so soft, the way he cupped Renjun’s face is gentle, like he’s a porcelain vase. When they pull away, both are out of breath. Simply staring in each other's eyes as the moon shines above the night sky.

“I love you,” Jeno whispered as he runs his thumb over the softness of Renjun's cheek.

“I love you too.” And Renjun means it with all his heart.

“Everything might change but my love for you will never, Jun. Never.”

“We’ll reach our dreams together, okay? Always and forever,” Jeno added.

“Always and forever.”

Renjun is a dreamer. Always has been. When he was young and watched a video of someone dancing for the first time, he took an interest in the way the man’s body moved like art, in sync of the symphony playing on the background. He tried to do it. And just after his first try, he realized he loves dancing. He started dreaming of dancing for the world then.

The same happens when Renjun realized his dream to make Art. He saw a painting, searched its meaning, and was then amazed by how someone can put so many emotions using strokes of colors and different lines. He started dreaming once his love for Art blossoms.

And now, Jeno. If there’s one thing his dreams have in common, it is _love_. The way Renjun’s heart pound in happiness whenever he so much as imagined a future doing all those things he loves.

Renjun realized you can only dream of something if you truly love it.

Maybe that’s why he’d often dream of a future with Lee Jeno. Loving is dreaming, after all.

“ _ **Loving you is hurting.”**_

Renjun cannot think of a time where Jeno truly hurt his feelings. For the past four years, there wasn’t a night Jeno would let him sleep drowning in misery along with the lonely taste of whatever fight they had. But in the first place, they never shared serious arguments either. The kind where they’d both wallow into the darkness of their own thoughts that makes them rethink their relationship. Mostly, their petty fights include Renjun skipping his lunch and Jeno scolding him for doing so. Or Jeno forgetting to put his shoes on the designated rack and Renjun being the one responsible to clean up Jeno’s messes (of course not without an hour of angry rebuke from the smaller). The biggest fight they had, the one where Renjun cries (but not for long), was when Jeno forgot their supposed to be movie night and joined his seniors in the university for a celebration when their research paper got approved.

Even then, Jeno did not sleep until Renjun forgave him. For the whole week that follows, Jeno tried to make it up to Renjun with small but very appreciated gestures.

The couple decided to rent an apartment for the both of them. One that is both close to their universities. Since their first year as freshmen up until now they’re juniors, the two lived together like a married couple. All of their friends either pretended to throw up in disgust because of the two’s sickeningly sweetness, or eye them with envy, saying how lucky they are to find such love at a young age.

If Renjun were to be honest, he too, is wondering of the same thing. How their relationship is almost perfect. Their fights not even lasting for more than five hours. Some say it’s impossible for a relationship as long as theirs to be _that_ strong. Renjun would only smile shyly, telling how disagreements are nothing if the love shared in between is stronger than your differences.

Hurting, for Renjun, is a product of harsh words emanating from careless voices of someone who thinks rashly. But nowadays, Renjun feels a different sensation in his heart. It engulfs his insides, drowned his heart, its sickeningly burning itch creeping in the surface, threatening to leave his mouth. And when he chose to mum it, the feeling would spread. This time, trying to use his eyes as its leeway. What shaken Renjun the most is that, in contrast to his belief, this feeling of _hurt_ would show itself every time Jeno whispers all the things he just wanted to hear.

‘ _When?’_ Renjun wonders. _‘Since when did Jeno’s words started to hurt this much?’_

 _Ah, of course._ It started when Na Jaemin came back four months ago. The taller, apparently, decided to continue his studies in Korea despite the good opportunities presenting itself on him in New York. At first, Renjun was nervous to meet the taller. He never had a proper talk with Jeno’s best friend, except for the small acknowledgment of each others presence in the middle of the two’s video call.

His first impression with Na Jaemin is bright. Everything about him is bright. Renjun was suddenly turned back to a day in his high school where Jaemin had his hair dyed in bright pink. Now that he finally got to spend time with the taller, he realized the hair color suits him perfectly. It is bold, just like him.

Jaemin is a loud person. But not in an annoying kind of way. If anything, Renjun truly enjoys the time he spent with the boy. He had these jokes that would make you laugh like you were not in a public place. He had these strong opinions about things that would make you watch the next words to slip out your tongue. He had this beautiful mind that would render you speechless because damn, _how can someone think like that_? Most importantly, Jaemin had this kind of charm and aura that would lure anyone like a moth to a flame.

Maybe that’s why Jeno wears his smile bigger and more often when he’s with Jaemin. Maybe that’s why Jeno’s laughs are much longer and more distinct, full of pure happiness, whenever Jaemin cracks a joke. Maybe that’s why Jeno sometimes looks at Jaemin like he’s the only person he could see when Renjun is sitting beside him.

Maybe that’s why nowadays Renjun feels useless in comparison to a certain Na Jaemin.

Renjun does not hate Jaemin, he truly does not. But there’s this envy growing in his heart and his mind would all of a sudden start to point out everything that Jaemin is but Renjun isn’t.

He’d like to believe it’s his mind simply playing tricks on him. But there’s this different kind of glow in Jeno’s eyes every time Jaemin’s name was mentioned. It was something Renjun never had the privilege to see before. Or to cause.

So he stirred his tea with a straw. Happy laughter of Jeno and Jaemin ringing at the back of his ears like a background noise he’d try so hard to block but wouldn’t fade away. He felt Jeno nudge him on the side, eying him with concern.

“You okay, Jun?” he asked with that soft voice of his.

Renjun smiles before nodding. “Yeah. What are you guys saying again?”

“Oh right. Jaemin here was just retelling some old stories from the past. Stories that shall not be known to the world.”

“Come on, Jen, don’t be such a wussy. They’re great stories. I believe Renjun has to hear them,” Jaemin grins.

It has piqued Renjun’s interest. “Why? What’s the story?”

Beside him, Jeno groans, knocking his forehead on the table in a dramatic way that made Jaemin laugh and Renjun smile. “Okay, so did you know that Jeno once had a cat named Kitty? I know, very original, right? Anyway, he hid it from his mom because apparently this idiot is allergic to cats and his mom will never allow him to adopt one. However, being the stubborn boy he is, he adopted Kitty the stray cat, and guess who had a sneezing fit the next day after sleeping on the same bed with the very thing he’s allergic at? Lee Jeno.”

Renjun laughed along with Jaemin. While Jeno whined like a child on the corner and shoot daggers to a certain Na Jaemin. The story doesn’t end there. Jaemin, Renjun learns, has a lot of stories to tell about Jeno. Things Jeno never told him. Memories Renjun was not part of because he is not friends with Jeno ‘til almost five years ago. Facts and information Renjun has no idea at all but Jaemin knew.

He wonders when did it get so stuffy in the table.

Renjun stares at Jaemin’s coffee. Jeno orders it for him when they first arrived at the coffee shop. Without any mistake, his boyfriend remembers the specific number of shots and the flavor Jaemin always preferred for his strong taste in coffee. Whereas, Jeno can’t even remember how Renjun preferred his burgers.

“Imma just go to the comfort room. Excuse me,” Renjun walks out of their table without waiting for a response. He put cold water on his face, hoping to wash away the burning feeling in his throat he has started to grown familiar to day by day since Jaemin’s come back.

When he left the comfort room, he is frozen by the sight he sees. On their table, Jaemin and Jeno are speaking comfortably. Throwing smiles and exchanging laughs over something the other would say. Jeno had this biggest smile etched on his face Renjun worries it might start to hurt.

Jeno, when he’s with Renjun, prefers to be the listener than the talker. It is always Renjun who speaks and speaks and tells and asks. But with Jaemin, it’s like Jeno has a lot of stuff to tell. And even though Jaemin had his fair shares of topic to discuss too, for Jeno he’d wait and listen. His eyes giving the same glint identical to Jeno’s.

And now that Renjun actually sees them, just the two of them without him, he cannot deny their beauty. The way Jaemin’s lips curved up into a smile whenever Jeno’s mouth moves to speak of something. The way Jeno’s eyes crinkle in laughter at something Jaemin said. Or simply just the way they stare at each other like nothing else matters. They look so perfect, Renjun thinks. So perfect it hurts to come back and sit in between them.

Just a fit of stupid jealousy. It happens all the time, right? Jaemin and Jeno are just close like how Donghyuck and Renjun are.

Still, his heart hurts. _‘Donghyuck doesn’t look at me like he found the stars and the moon in my eyes.’_

Loving really hurts sometimes. Renjun knows that now.

“ _ **Loving you is trusting.”**_

It is no surprise Renjun is one of the most trusting people for anyone who knew the Chinese lad. In return, he’s often scolded by Donghyuck for it. Even Jeno is sometimes frustrated because of this personality. In some cases, he hates it when Renjun ends up doing a whole presentation after his partner coincidentally decided to get “sick” the night before the deadline. Or when one of Renjun’s acquaintance borrows money from the boy with a promise that he’ll “return it the next day” (the money was never returned until a month later).

“You’re so gullible, I swear. They’re only gonna take advantage of you if you keep on trusting whatever lies that comes out of their mouth,” Donghyuck would exasperatedly say.

But Renjun begs to differ. How can one be considered gullible if they’re aware of the truth behind those words? Instead of a curse, Renjun likes to consider this part of himself as a blessing. Because trusting means believing. Believing in the goodness of people and the truth hidden behind their poisonous lies. Because if he doesn’t, then who will? Trusting can sometimes be one of the most courageous things one could do in this cruel world. Everyone lies, but not everyone had the ability to trust. And the world? It needs more people who trust in the natural goodness of a human heart.

Nowadays, Renjun is having a hard time trusting. A one time lie is okay. But to be fed off with words that hide under the guise of sincerity everyday? It’s a whole different thing.

Renjun never considers Jeno as a liar. Until then.

“Hey love, I’ll go to class now. How about you?” Jeno asked while his shoelaces.

Renjun looks up from his position on the bed. “No morning classes today.”

“Lucky you. Anyway, I’ll be going now.” Jeno walks over Renjun to leave a kiss on the latter’s forehead. “I love you,” he smiles.

Renjun stares at Jeno, a tad too long than normal. His response came a little too late too. “I love you too.”

Once Jeno’s out of his sight, Renjun drapes the cover back to his body and stared at the small window of their room. _‘Liar.’_

Those three words coming from Jeno’s mouth feels more like an empty promise. Every passing day, it was ripped off of its true meaning. Until there was nothing left. Like Jeno is simply saying it because he was obliged to. Not because he means it.

And the saddest thing is, Jeno is not even aware of it. Renjun wants to laugh at the irony. A liar who’s not even aware of his own lies.

Renjun wonders, is Jeno lying to him? Or is Jeno lying to himself?

He laughed. Unmindful of the teardrops wetting the pillow under his cheeks.

“So Jaemin bought three tickets for this new action movie to be released this Saturday. I’m so excited! We’ve been talking about this movie since last year, and now it’s finally here. Can you believe that?” Jeno said in excitement while the two eat their dinner.

Renjun pokes the pasta on his plate with his fork. “Yeah. That’s the movie you’re looking forward to watching more than anything else.”

“Yes! I can’t believe Jaemin got us tickets! He said it’s his treat. All we gotta do is bring ourselves this Saturday.”

“Yeah. Looks fun.” Truth is, Renjun is not a fan of action or sci-fi movies. He could not share the same vibe whenever Jeno talks about Star Wars or Marvel or anything that includes lots of fighting and theories. Unlike Jaemin who partake the same interest. But Renjun tries to understand, he tries to open his mind for things that Jeno likes. He just hoped Jeno would try to understand him too.

“I’m done. You can just left the plates at the sink, I’ll clean them tomorrow before my classes. I’m tired.” Renjun stands from his chair and puts his half-eaten pasta at the sink. Jaemin is always present, even if he’s not physically there. He’s present in Jeno’s words, in Jeno’s thoughts, in Jeno’s mind, in Jeno’s stories. Renjun is just tired.

Jeno followed the other with his gaze. These past few days, Renjun is smiling less and less. He’s more tired, his eyes never looks so far away. Come to think of it, Jeno doesn’t remember the last time he heard Renjun laugh. He wonders what’s up.

“Maybe he’s stressed? I mean, final week is coming, right?” Jaemin concludes after Jeno opens up the topic with him once.

“I don’t know, Jaem. It doesn’t seem like a simple stress to me.”

“Hey, if you’re so worried, you can ask him. The key to every relationship is communication. Go talk to him, Jen.”

“You know what, you’re right.” Jeno grins. “I’ll talk to him. I’ll ask him what’s bothering him and then we can figure it out. You’re the best. This is why I love you!” Jeno jumps out of his seat, hanging his backpack on his shoulders and walking away. But not before pulling a startled Jaemin into a bone-crushing hug.

Jeno left Jaemin behind, ignoring the way his heart sped up and the tingling sensation spreading on his skin that touched Jaemin’s. Jaemin simply drink his coffee once Jeno’s gone. A sad smile dangling on his lips as he whispered, “Goodluck, Jeno.”

Jeno doesn’t get to talk to Renjun until that Saturday. When all three of them finished watching the movie Jaemin and Jeno is talking about until they separate ways. Even on the car ride home, Jeno goes on and on about his favorite scenes and how it is better than Jaemin’’s favorites. His favorite characters, sometimes even retelling the whole plotline like Renjun isn’t with him when he saw it. Renjun is trying his best not to snap. It’s hard though.

“Can you believe it? Jaemin likes _that_ character? I am so gonna text him as soon as we got home and send him hundreds of reasons why his favorite is the worst!” Jeno complained in the cab.

Renjun cannot take it anymore. “You know what, why not text him now? Here’s my phone, use it.”

Jeno gave Renjun a look of surprise. To say he’s astounded by the sudden outburst is an understatement. Renjun released a sharp breath. He too is flabbergasted from what he just said. But there’s no taking back now. Not when the second that follows is a thick silence between the both of them. Not when Jeno’s eyes are questioning him with a single look. Not when he felt like crying at the moment.

So Renjun does not look back. Does not even spare his boyfriend a glance when he walks inside of their apartment. Does not even talk when he gets ready to sleep. Jeno doesn’t say anything either.

Only when Renjun is fully dressed with his comfortable clothes did Jeno asked what’s been bugging him for the whole week now.

“Jun, what’s the problem?” he began.

Renjun paused but continued on after a second without answering Jeno’s question.

“Tell me, please. Didn’t we promise each other that we’ll solve whatever problem we encounter by being honest? By talking? Don’t try to deny it, I know there’s a problem. You’ve been acting weird lately, Jun. I don’t know what I did wrong but please, _please tell me_ so we can fix this,” Jeno begs.

Renjun’s eyes are red and brimming with tears when he faced Jeno. “Do you really not know?”

Jeno does not hesitate to move over and cross the distance between them so he could pull the smaller into his chest. Renjun cries. Every sob is like a knife piercing through Jeno’s heart.

“What is it? Tell me.”

With broken voice, Renjun speak of a name. One certain name that needs no more explanation. “J-Jaemin...”

Jeno swallows the lump forming on his throat. “A-Are you jealous with... Jaemin?”

With Renjun’s silence, Jeno got his answer.

The normal reaction would be to laugh. Or to say, “Jun, you’re so silly. Why would you be jealous of my _best friend_?”. But for some reason, the name renders Jeno speechless. Like there’s something blocking his throat from speaking and reassuring Renjun that Jaemin is nothing but a best friend. Sure, he had feelings towards Jaemin then before the latter left for New York. But that was in the past. That was before he met Renjun. Right now, it is Renjun who Jeno loves.

_Right?_

So why is it so hard for Jeno to say that Jaemin is just a best friend and there are no feelings involved at all? Instead, he opts for something easier to say. Something much more acceptable in the pit of Jeno’s heart.

“ _I love you, Renjun.”_

Renjun looks up. Jeno’s eyes are full of sincerity, like he’s trying to reassure Renjun with those three words. _‘Or himself,’_ the voice at the back of Renjun’s mind whispers.

“You know that, right? I love you. Only you. Always and forever, Jun.”

Renjun gets it now. Why he often trusts people’s words despite the lies hidden beneath them. Because trusting is believing. And at some point, he chose to believe them. To believe their promises no matter how empty they sound. A part of his heart hopes. Hopes there’s a trace of truth somewhere.

Maybe Donghyuck is right. Renjun is gullible after all.

He trusts and trusts. Despite the continuous lies. Because maybe, somewhere in between believing them, it will come true. Then it wouldn’t be such a lie after all.

So Renjun chose to trust Jeno. Because he loves him. And trust is a beautiful gift to offer to someone you love.

“ _ **Loving you is fighting (for us).”**_

There’s a huge shift in Renjun’s behavior nowadays. It contradicts his past week’s attitude compiled of mostly silence, mindless responses, and distracted gazes. Now it’s as if his behavior towards Jeno turns 180 and everyone notices. Though they chose not to say anything about it.

“Guys! I gotta go. Jeno’s last class will end in an hour and I have a 40-minutes bus ride to catch. See ya tomorrow!” Renjun cuts off Donghyuck’s speech in the middle just to announce his departure. All of them didn’t even hold a chance to respond before Renjun is officially out of their sight, his footsteps carried by the wind.

“Hyung, is something up with Renjun hyung?” Jisung asked.

Donghyuck sighed, shaking his head. “That’s exactly my question, Jisung-ah.”

See normally, after classes, Renjun would spend at least a couple of hours hanging out with his friends before going straight to their apartment. But since last week, Renjun magically decided it is a good idea to pick Jeno up from his university 40-minutes away from theirs. Never missing a single day, Renjun would even ditch his group project meetings just to make sure he and Jeno could go home together.

Renjun has grown clingy. With the phone calls every break time, or sometimes even at the ten-minutes break in between his switching classes, Donghyuck is amused Jeno hasn’t snapped yet.

“Whatever it is, I hope Renjun hyung stops it. This is not healthy for a relationship. I’m sure Jeno hyung is starting to notice too,” Chenle sighed.

Renjun arrived just in time to see Jeno walking out of the exit gate. Not so far from him, he saw a tuft of blue hair bouncing in the air as its owner runs to catch up to his boyfriend. _Jaemin._ The taller’s mouth opening to call for Jeno. Renjun beats him to it.

“JENO!” Before Jeno could even look up from his phone’s screen, Renjun attacked the other with a very tight hug that had Jeno chuckling at the impact.

In the distance, he saw Jaemin slowly retreating his hand raised in the air.

“Well, careful there you small baby. We almost bump at the post,” Jeno said in amusement, his strong arms enveloping Renjun quickly for a hug.

Renjun pouts. “Doesn’t matter, I won’t get hurt anyway. I have you.”

“Of course you did,” Jeno messed Renjun’s hair. “What’re you doing here anyway? This is like the second week you’re picking me up after classes.”

“But I want to spend more quality time with you. Even if it’s in a bus ride on our way home.” _‘I want to take every chance I can so you won’t forget I’m still here.’_

“I love you,” Renjun whispers.

When Jeno smiled, Renjun did not hesitate to pull the other’s neck so their faces would be closer to each other. It is something Renjun never did before, kissing Jeno in public because of his shy personality. But it is an act of affection he learned to show more nowadays. If it is to show possession, Renjun will never tell, nor will he admit to it.

So in one swift move, he tiptoes and kissed Jeno on the lips.

‘ _Go away. Please, Jaemin. Don’t take Jeno away from me. I’m begging you.’_

Jeno swore there’s something sally that touched and lingers in his mouth. He wonders if it’s a raindrop.

Renjun was never a fighter. He’s the type to go with the flow of life, never seeing the relevance of fighting for something so uncertain. It’s one of the reasons why he’s taking Business Management as his major in college when all his life his interest is purely on Arts. He did not fight it when his parents decided that major for him. He does not fight when someone badmouthed him. You will not see him fight either for the breast part of the chicken against Jisung who also prefers the same.

For him, fighting is simply you causing your own stress. After all, it is best to focus on the positive than the negative.

Renjun was never a fighter. But Jeno is slowly teaching him how to be one.

“Do you have any plans this weekend?” Jeno asked one evening while they’re cuddling on the couch.

“Nah. Why? You have something in mind you wanna do?” Renjun mumbled.

“Actually, yes. There’s this newly opened amusement park. I want to go there with you.”

Smiling, Renjun did not hesitate to agree. Too happily, even. “Let’s go then! I’m free all weekend!”

“Great. I’ll go text Jaemin now.”

With the mention of Jaemin’s name, Renjun automatically frowned. He’s quick to react before Jeno could even type a message. “Wait, what?! Why would you text Jaemin?” he sat straight and faced Jeno, his lips forming a thin line.

“Um, I was thinking we could invite him-”

“NO!”

Jeno threw him a questioning gaze. Renjun faked a cough as he avoids Jeno’s eyes guiltily. “W-What I was saying is... do you really want Jaemin to always third wheel on our dates?”

“What? Jaemin doesn’t look at it like that. Besides, I always make sure to ask him and he says it’s fine.”

“Of course, he’ll say that. You’re his friend. He won’t exactly tell on your face that he’s tired to see you being lovey-dovey with your boyfriend on a weekend where he’s supposed to be relaxing and doing his own thing right?”

“Jaemin isn’t like that.”

“I know. Look, just think of it like this okay? What if Jaemin had a date with his partner, _if_ he had one. Are you sure you’re not gonna feel out of place while spending time with them?” Renjun raised a brow.

When Jeno answered, his voice came out smaller and quieter than Renjun expects. “Do you think he feels that way with us?”

Renjun swallowed hard. There’s a rising bile of disgust in his chest for the words that are to come out of his mouth. But Renjun ingests them all painfully. “Yes.”

There’s a flash of sadness in Jeno’s eyes. Somehow, it hurts Renjun more than he’d like to admit. To the point he wanna take back his lie and assure Jeno that Jaemin loves spending time with them if it means being with him and he’ll never feel out of place because Jeno talks to him more than he does with Renjun. He wants to tell the truth.

After all, it is not Jaemin who feels out of place in their hangouts as three. _It is Renjun._

Renjun very well knew of how wrong this is. But what can he do? He’s desperate. Even desperate soldiers cheat their way through success.

In the back of his mind, Renjun asked forgiveness a lot of times.

“Hey, can we talk?”

The blue-haired male is surprised to see Renjun when he opened the door of his dorm. He peered around, noticing the absence of Jeno. It’s unexpected indeed. Renjun never approached him alone. Nor did they get the chance to hang out with just the two of them. Jaemin is used to having Jeno with Renjun. So Jaemin is awkward, and nervous, when he lets Renjun in.

“What’s up? Do you want some water? Sorry I have no coffee, dormitories are simply just like this,” Jaemin tried the most normal approach he could think of.

“No, it’s okay. Thanks for the offer though.” Renjun smiled. Renjun always had this beauty that can attract the eyes of both men and women. He’s soft-spoken, kind, and gorgeous in general. Jaemin would have liked him if he hadn’t set his eyes on someone already.

“So is there anything I can do for you?” Jaemin asked when minutes passed and Renjun remained staring at the floor while jutting his bottom lip.

“I’m sorry for this random question but... do you like Jeno?”

For a second, Jaemin thought his hearing is suffering from a serious problem. “Excuse me- _what_?”

“Do you... do you like Jeno?” This time, Renjun’s eyes directly look towards Jaemin’s. There’s a hardness in it but at the same time, a hopeful glint towards something Jaemin is yet to understand.

“No! Why would... how could you say that? I don’t... I don’t like Jeno. I don’t.” Jaemin’s heart is pounding so loud he can almost hear it.

“Are you sure?”

“Renjun, are you okay? Is... Is something going on with you and Jeno? Do you... wanna talk about it?”

Renjun is fast to shake his head. “No! It’s... it’s okay. I... Forget I even said anything. I’m sorry for bothering you!”

But before Renjun could rush out to the door, something in particular caught his eyes. A very familiar grey jacket hanging at the door of Jaemin’s closet.

“Why is Jeno’s jacket in here?” Renjun is not aware of how cold his voice sounded when that question left his mouth.

“Right. Jeno lent it to me the other day, It’s raining then, he decided to let me borrow it. I just sort of forgot to give it back.”

“I see.”

A minute passed and none of them spoke until Jaemin broke the silence. “Do you mind if you gave it back to Jeno for me?”

“Jaemin,” Renjun called.

“Hmm?” Jaemin eyed him expectantly.

“I’m uncomfortable.”

“Of what?”

“Of this.” Renjun swallowed his pride along with the thoughts that screamed for him not to go _there_. But he figured there’s no better way to solve this than talk to Jaemin. The person who is the root of all the doubts and worries and jealousy that made their home in Renjun’s heart.

So with a balled fist and with all the strength of his voice, he said, “I’m uncomfortable because it felt like you are closer to Jeno than I do. Which is totally stupid, I know, because you’re his best friend since childhood and I get your bond. Trust me, I do. But that’s also why I want to know him better too. I want to spend as much as quality time with him if only so I could compete with it against all those years you’ve been with him. _I know,_ you don’t have to tell me. This is not a competition and maybe I am such a dramatic bitch for saying all these. But what do I do? I feel like any moment now, I might lose Jeno to you.”

Renjun broke down. He can not feel the pain of his knees hitting the cold tiles in Jaemin’s dorm. Nor can he focus on the anxiety of Jaemin’s face as the latter tried his best to calm him down. He can not hear himself crying, but there’s a stream of tears dropping on Renjun’s eyes.

“Jaemin, can’t you understand me? I’m sorry if it’s too much to ask. I am not asking you to stay away from him because you’re still his best friend and believe me you mean so much to him. But please, Jaemin. Don’t take Jeno away from me. I’m begging you. I love him so much. I can’t bear to let him go.”

Renjun was never a fighter. But once upon a time, in his distant memory, there’s a certain night where he thought of fighting for his dreams.

It was at 2 a.m, the time of the night where everyone is drowning on their purest thoughts. Where lies and pretensions are not a thing because no one ever judges with half of the world asleep.

He thinks of his dream. A future where he can freely create the finest Art for the world to see and to know about. That night, he promised himself he’ll talk to his parents the very next morning. He’ll convince them to let him take Arts as his major instead of their choice. Before Renjun closed his eyes, he remembered smiling, giving an empty promise to his worn-out soul that this time he’ll fight for their happiness.

And it is an empty promise for a reason.

However, that night, he’s desperate. He’s crying the way he cries in front of Jaemin. Wishing to every god who hears, who can see him, to give him courage for the battleground he’s about to set foot in. He remembers wearing desperation in his heart, and his hope for a better tomorrow.

Renjun is willing to fight. If it means to preserve the remaining dream keeping him alive.

“ _ **Loving you is enduring.”**_

“Is Jaemin acting weird to you?” Jeno dropped the question one time while Renjun is studying for the finals.

Automatically, Renjun’s eyes zoned out and the familiar feeling of guilt started to itch at the pit of his stomach. “W-Why?” he asked.

“Just lately he’s not hanging out with us. And whenever I tried to talk to him, he’s quick to come up with excuses just to avoid the circumstances. Even to my text messages, he is not responding anymore.” There is sadness in Jeno’s voice upon saying those words. It definitely doesn’t help the bubbling guilt deep inside Renjun.

“M-Maybe he’s just really busy, we all are since the semester is almost over. Don’t worry much about it, hmm?” Renjun tried to smile to reassure his boyfriend. Though it’s pretty obvious his words aren’t much of a help with how gloomy Jeno still is. He bit his lips and tried to focus on his notes.

Of course, Renjun out of all people, knows why Jaemin is avoiding Jeno like a plague. It is all his doing in the first place. Since the day he begged on Jaemin, Jaemin has been so kind and understanding to his worries. The blue-haired male tried to avoid Jeno in all cases possible, a little too much even than necessary. Of course, Renjun is thankful for that. At the back of his mind, however, Renjun knows. He is the bad guy. Ruining a beautiful friendship just because of his selfish desires.

So he continued on, desperately hoping Jeno would forgive him one day.

Renjun sensed something is wrong when Jeno shut the door close a little _too_ hard than the usual. The deep frown drawn on Jeno’s handsome features and the thin line of his lips confirmed it. If it doesn’t, then the sharp glare directed at Renjun surely does.

“What is your problem?!”

Renjun flinched at how angry Jeno’s voice sounded.

“I-Is everything okay?” Moving closer to Jeno’s tensed form, Renjun’s hand is about to touch his boyfriend’s shoulder when Jeno _brushed it away_.

“ _Is everything okay?_ Nothing is okay! Why would you do that?! How... How could you say that to Jaemin?!”

The question was like cold water spilled over Renjun’s head. He knew this day would come, he just didn’t expect it to be this soon.

“So... Jaemin told you huh?”

“Don’t you dare go over Jaemin’s dorm again and blame him for this! He wouldn’t even tell me!”

“Then shouldn’t you be letting it go then? If a person is uncomfortable to tell someone something, shouldn’t you be respecting that choice?” Renjun stared Jeno in the eyes.

“You’re the one to talk about comfort! When all this time you’ve been making Jaemin uncomfortable with your request out of unnecessary and irrational jealousy!”

“Unnecessary and stupid jealousy? Don’t you think your actions right now are telling something?”

Jeno had nothing to counter that. Not that Renjun is expecting him to. Lately, he’s becoming used to it. It surprises him how he still has tears left to cry.

“You’re here, shouting in front of my face and pointing fingers at me because what again? _I made Jaemin uncomfortable?_ Do you think I didn’t know that? Do you seriously think I am not crying myself every night because of what I did? Have you ever once consider how uncomfortable _I_ feel ever since he came back? You had the guts to ask Jaemin when you never once cared for my comfort.”

For the first time in five years, they shared a night where the echo of their exchanged words rang at the back of their minds. Backs turned at each other as they close their eyes carrying the heavy feeling in their hearts.

Jeno did not speak to Renjun the next day. Renjun found himself lost at words either. It lasted for a good two and a half days. It’s the longest fight they had. At this point, it’s not even their fight itself that hurts Renjun anymore. But how Jeno endures the aftertaste of their fights in the form of cold nights when Renjun felt like dying every ticking second of those nights. Sure, they share the same bed, but Renjun never once imagined the loneliness would eat him whole despite Jeno lying a mere inch away from him.

Renjun decided to make it up to Jeno on the third evening since their argument. He exited the university gates early to go to the grocery. The Chinese lad plans to cook pasta for his boyfriend, Jeno’s favorite one.

“Hey, welcome home. Let’s eat? I prepared your favorite pasta.” Renjun tried to smile despite the lack of emotion on Jeno’s face. He tried to swallow his pride because pride is never a good recipe for a long-lasting relationship.

“I’ll go change my clothes,” were Jeno’s first words for him since their argument. Renjun happily nodded and prepare the table, ignoring how everything sounded so wrong at the back of his mind.

They share the dinner table in utmost silence. Except for the clattering of utensils and the quiet ticking of the wall clock. Renjun bit his lips and tried to initiate a conversation.

“H-How’s school?”

“Fine. Same old, same old.”

“I see.” Jeno didn’t open up a brand new topic so Renjun finds it in him to think of a new subject. Probably something that will earn him not more than two sentences reply from Jeno.

“Did you do well in your exams?” Yeah, that’s stupid.

Jeno didn’t even say a word, he simply hums for confirmation. Renjun fight the urge to facepalm.

Before he could say anything more, Jeno stood up and picked up his now empty plate. “I’m finished. Thanks for the dinner. I’ll put this in the sink.”

So what can Renjun do but nod?

It gets worst. For the following days, Renjun tried his best to bond with Jeno. He bought the latter’s favorite video game as a gift (even though he expressed so much hate for the evil thing on the past), he downloaded a lot of Star Wars movies in hopes of watching them with Jeno, even bought a gallon of their favorite ice cream from that old ice cream parlor they liked to eat at when they were in high school. Futile attempts, really. Because Jeno is either too busy, too tired, or simply not in the mood to do those with him.

One time, he tried to wait outside Jeno’s university, expecting they can talk things out once and for all. However, no one warned him enough to the sight he’s about to see. Jeno, walking out of the exit gates with Jaemin. The two are laughing. Jeno sports the brightest smile, his eyes glimmering like the orange sky. Jaemin’s laughter is echoing over the area Renjun heard a faint of it on his spot behind the walls.

It hurts, but Renjun is glad. Because Jeno is smiling for the first time in a while.

Doesn’t matter if Renjun’s not the reason behind such a lovely sight. It’s no secret. Jeno wears his smile more when he’s with Jaemin. Renjun simply loves Jeno enough to endure the painful truth.

So he turned his back, left the place silently. He’ll wait for Jeno home. In the end, what matters is Jeno still comes back to him. It may sound stupid in the ears of others but that’s the only thing to keep Renjun going. The only reason he still holds on to this once beautiful relationship.

Unfortunately, Jeno did not come home that evening.

Still, it’s okay. Even if the bear on Renjun’s arms is soaking wet with his tears, Renjun repeatedly tells himself it’s okay. Because tomorrow Jeno will be back.

As long as he comes back, it’s okay.

It’s just one night. Renjun can endure a little more than that.

“ _ **Loving you is accepting (the truth even if it hurts).”**_

Lately, Renjun does not hurt anymore. Like a wound exposed through intense pain, it’s gotten numb, his heart. Renjun slowly learned to get by through a week of cold conversations, where Renjun eats dinner alone more than he did with Jeno, and nights without the latter’s usual whispers of I love yous.

Renjun learned to sleep without waiting for Lee Jeno. His pillow a lot parched now with the absence of tears from his nightly cries. Before, he would have never understood how one person could run out of tears to cry. But now he learned. As he looks up at the ceiling in the silence of the night, accompanied by light snores from his lover beside, Renjun simply _cannot_ cry. His eyes, however, still hurt from all the previous nights spent from silently grieving, hoping for the moon to stop the pain.

‘ _Is this it? Did I drained myself of tears to cry?’_ Since he cannot cry, at least there’s smiling.

In the first place, crying is not the only way to display your pain to the world. Renjun wonders how many faces smiled while their hearts are dying inside.

He glances at Jeno. Slowly, Renjun shifted on his position in bed, observing Jeno instead. Jeno still had that peaceful expression whenever he’s asleep. Nose crinkling that makes Renjun think of what he could be dreaming. His skin, pale as a white cloud, is dazzling under the dim silhouette of the moonlight. Renjun so badly wants to comb that hair with his fingers but decided against it. When Jeno grins and unconsciously released a contented sigh, Renjun wordlessly asks if it’s Jaemin he’s dreaming about.

Jeno ever truly looks happy anyway when he’s with the other. Renjun knows. And even if it hurts, it’s one of the things he’s slowly learning to accept by now.

“Renjun, are you and Jeno having some... problems?” Donghyuck asked Renjun the next day while all four of them including Chenle and Jisung decided to form a study group.

“No, why?” Renjun answered without as so much as a glance to his best friend.

“I just noticed you were not going to his university anymore after class.” _‘And your eyes are obviously swollen.’_

“Oh, I can’t just simply fit it on my time anymore. Thing’s been hectic with our studies, you all know that.”

“I see.”

Jisung, Chenle, and Donghyuck shared a look. The indifference in Renjun’s eyes even with the mention of Jeno’s name is unsettling. Before there’s love in it. A love so passionate Donghyuck is very close to writing a chibi version of Renjun with hearty eyes. But now it’s devoid of anything.

It was raining. Good thing Renjun always brings an umbrella with him. Today he decided to venture the city in a walk. Nothing special really, just a sudden need for a walk brings him near the Han River. He passed by a lot of people, some of them walking at a rapid speed, like rain is a plague and they’ll catch a disease with a single droplet. There are shops full of people where teenagers sat cozily inside drinking the warm coffee on their hands. Including these people are also vendors, who attempted their best to save their goods from becoming wet.

Renjun hears a guitar.

The rain is not so hard, nor is it too loud. So he’s quick to spot the man on the sidewalk. An acoustic guitar hoisted to his body where he’s standing in front of a microphone connected somewhere. He started to strum the strings of his instrument, creating a beautiful melody that does not get overwhelmed by the storm.

The boy wearing a bucket hat started to sing.

_Fallin' out, fallin' in  
Nothing's sure in this world no, no  
Breakin' out, breakin' in  
Never knowin' what lies ahead  
We can really never tell it all no, no, no _

‘ _Is he serious? He’s busking under the rain?’_ Not a single person except for Renjun dared to stop. Most of them spared a glance but no one’s really willing to risk the chances of getting wet just to listen at some poor man busk in public for donations.

_But oh, can't you see  
That no matter what happens  
Life goes on and on  
So Oh baby, please smile  
Coz I'm always around you  
And I'll make you see how beautiful  
Life is for you and me _

‘ _It’s a beautiful song.’_ The man’s voice is a little rough and low. It fits him just as fine, Renjun thinks.

So Renjun stayed a little longer than he should. If only so to hear whatever this man has to sing under the rain.

_Life's full of challenges  
Not all the time we get what we want  
But don't despair my dear coz I know now  
You'll take each trial and you'll make it through the storm  
Coz you're strong my faith in you is clear  
So I'll say once again this world’s wonderful and  
Let us celebrate life that's so beautiful, so beautiful _

_Take a little time Baby  
See the butterflies' colors  
Listen to the birds that were sent  
To sing for me and you  
Can you feel me  
This is such a wonderful place to be  
Even if there is pain now  
Everything would be all right  
For as long as the world still turns  
There will be night and day  
Can you hear me  
There's a rainbow always after the rain _

‘ _What a fucking sap,’_ Renjun wanted to snort at the last verse. Yeah, he gets it now. With all this raining, it seemed like a perfect song to sing.

Grabbing a few bills in his wallet, Renjun puts the money at the box beside the singer. If the song touched his heart the slightest bit, he didn’t say anything. Walking away as quickly as possible from the place.

Jeno is waiting for him on the couch when Renjun came in. It’s a surprise, really. Jeno greeted him first too.

“Hey.” And oh, is that a small smile on Jeno’s lips? It’s not the same smile he’d give to Jaemin but Renjun appreciates it nonetheless.

“You’re home early,” Renjun noticed while removing his shoes.

“Yeah. I uh, sort of wished we could talk?”

Renjun was silent for a moment. All this time, he expresses his wish to talk things out with Jeno but Jeno never gave him the time of the day. Still, Renjun agrees. “Okay. Let me just change my clothes.”

“I’m sorry,” were the words Jeno decided to start with when Renjun joined him at the couch.

“For what?” Renjun silently whispered, his gaze down.

“For everything. I shouldn’t have acted like a jerk to you. I’m sorry. Please Jun, can’t we just go back to the way things were? I want to fix this. I want to fix us.” Jeno held Renjun’s hands, desperation is certain in his eyes when Renjun looked at him.

“We can’t go back to the way things were.” _‘Not with you harboring feelings for your best friend.’_ Renjun sadly thought.

“Yeah, I get that. But we can change for the better? Because I don’t want to lose you, Renjun. You’re my always and forever. My dream. I still chose to be part of that future with you.”

Renjun looks away. “I love you,” Jeno said. He pulled Renjun in a hug, and Renjun felt the tears falling down from Jeno’s cheek. Jeno’s arms are clinging to him the way he wanted to, craved to, for the past weeks. Jeno is hugging him like letting go was never an option, just the way Renjun loved. His whispering assurances, sweet nothings, promises, words that once fed Renjun’s heart.

Renjun simply received each gesture of love and affection his soul has been deprived of for the past weeks. Closing his eyes and sighing contently. In his mind, he dreamed of staying there. Of truly belonging in Jeno’s life.

It’s the first night where Jeno holds him tight again, a night where Jeno hasn’t turned his back like he’s been doing recently. So why is Renjun still staring at the ceiling? Feeling that kind of loneliness like Jeno’s never truly there. Like he isn’t hugging Renjun in his sleep?

A phone rings. Renjun pretends to be sleeping when he felt Jeno stir. He heard him answer the call with a husky, “Hello?”

Then Jeno is fast to sit, throwing away the cover in his body. “Yes, yes. I know that place... Yeah, I’m on my way...”

“Where are you going?” Renjun asked when Jeno is frantically delving into their closet for clothes.

“Someone called. Said Jaemin's at some bar, drunk asleep. I needed to get him home before someone tries to make a move on him. I’m sorry.”

The first thought in Renjun’s mind was, _why you_? Why can’t it be anyone else? Surely, Jaemin has friends other than Jeno. That boy is a social butterfly. There are a lot of things Renjun wants to say. But he’s tired of.

“Okay. Be careful.”

Jeno doesn’t even kiss him on the cheek the way he does whenever he leaves. He simply slammed the door after putting on a jacket and grabbing his wallet. His fading footsteps echoing through the thin air.

Renjun, once again, stares at the ceiling.

Now he understands. Why he can’t cry anymore. He’s tired.

People, when their tired, deserves a break. Doesn’t matter if it’s a temporary one or for a lifetime.

Everyone, at some point, thinks of giving up in the middle, no matter how beautiful the awaiting finish line. What’s more tempting for a tired person than the mention of rest anyway? No matter how short it might be.

The longer Renjun stared at the blank ceiling, the more the thought sink in. Jeno left him just like that. In the middle of the night. Forgetting even his own sleep just for Na Jaemin. Why is this scenario so familiar again? Right. He’s seen it too many times in some crappy romantic moves he loves so much. The picture of a leading man always coming to his love interest’s rescue.

Renjun chuckled. Jeno... is hopelessly in love with Na Jaemin. That idiot. Not even aware of his own feelings. And Jaemin obviously feels the same.

All along, he’s been the bad guy in their love story.

“Does that mean I now have to let go?”

But how do we know really? How do we distinguish the difference between relationships simply being tested by fate and two lovers simply not meant for each other? When both face the same problems, feel the same ache, and have to lose the same dreams? How do know really, if it just isn’t so? That Renjun just has to let Jeno go?

Is it really no way to fix what’s been done? To get back what’s been lost?

Like a filmstrip, it flitted in his mind: the images of Jeno’s face and how he looks happier, alive, _at peace_ , when he’s with Jaemin.

Renjun closed his eyes, arms falling to cover his sight. Love is painful. But accepting it isn’t there anymore... kills him inside.

“ _ **Loving you is letting go.”**_

Renjun never had the time to ponder about things. It’s the last week of his second semester as a third-year college student. In a couple of months, he’ll be a senior. In a year, he’ll graduate. It’s safe to say he’s more worried about his future than the uncertainty of his relationship now with Lee Jeno.

“Hey, you guys ordered food?” Renjun joined his friend’s table at the cafeteria for lunch.

“R-Renjun hey!” Donghyuck greeted him, the way his adam’s apple bobbed on his throat is a clear sign of nervousness. Renjun is good at reading emotions especially if it’s with his friends and right now, he can tell Donghyuck is acting suspiciously.

“What’s gotten into you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Renjun said in amusement.

“What- no! I-I-It’s nothing. Yeah.”

“Sure, Donghyuck. Don’t bit it too much, the liquid might not come out,” Renjun points out the straw in Donghyuck’s orange juice. He knows something was up with the way Donghyuck cannot look him straight in the eyes. Even with the way he bit his straw a little too hard than usual, a habit of the tanned-boy every time something’s bugging his mind.

“Hey Renjun, I wanna ask something.” Donghyuck swallowed, placing down the juice on their table.

“What’s it?”

“Where is Jeno last night?”

Renjun froze for a brief moment before he flashed a smile. “He’s with Jaemin.”

“A’ight losers, I’m gonna go order food for myself. You coming or not? Nah? Suit yourselves then.” Renjun did not wait for Donghyuck nor the youngest two to respond before he’s out of his seat a second later and falling in line at the counter.

Renjun is aware something happened. Whatever it was it made Donghyuck gave up his favorite snack bar to Renjun, even inviting the older to get some tteokbokki later after school. “My treat,” he says. Donghyuck never treats him. He only ever does when Renjun is extremely sad and down. Still, Renjun spared him the question. He isn’t ready to hear the answer yet. Though he has a tiny inkling of what could it be about.

He never got the chance to talk to Jeno until that weekend. When both are free and were simply enjoying the peace that comes with the end of their junior year.

Renjun would be lying if he said the past week is as peaceful as he claimed it to be. It’s not. Not because of the exams or the projects, but the inner battle no one’s aware he’s been going through inside his head. It keeps him awake at night, blocking his hearing every time Jeno professes his love. It’s all he’s ever felt despite Jeno’s lips clasped on his own. The question he’s been contemplating about and trying so hard to find answers more than anything.

_How can we say that we just have to let someone go?_

The realization hit Renjun when he least expected. In its simplest form. You let go when happiness isn’t present anymore. You let go when it destroys you more than it builds you. You let go when it hurts more than it heals.

Jeno’s happiness. Renjun wants it more than he craves for Jeno’s love. He wants Jeno to be happy.

_So is it time to let go?_

Yes. The answer is _yes_.

Jeno is hurting. Renjun hears the pain that comes with his lies every time Jeno whispers I love you. He can see through his eyes, the way they lost its shine like a bright star slowly dying among the million lights in the galaxy. He gets the longing every time Jeno opens up his phone to stare at something when he believed Renjun was asleep. And sadness, as Renjun always says, is never a good fit for the light of Jeno’s soul.

So Renjun said it, one afternoon after watching his favorite rom-com movie Jeno never liked.

“Jeno-ah, let’s break up.”

The following minute was filled with complete silence. The remaining sound was that of the love song track playing as the ending credits rolled.

“W-What?” Jeno finally whispers like he isn’t sure he heard Renjun right.

Renjun offers a smile as he faced Jeno. “Let’s break up.”

“W-What... b-but w-why? W-Why would you say t-that? I-Is it because of o-our p-previous fight? R-Renjun I thought we’re okay-”

“But we’re not. Tell me I’m not the only one who feels alone in this relationship.”

“What? No! W-We can fix this okay? Renjun, listen to me. You can’t break up with me. _No._ I won’t let you.” Jeno held on to Renjun’s shoulder tight.

“Where is this coming from? I-Is it because of... Did Donghyuck...” Renjun frowned at Jeno’s words. Jeno’s eyes are full of regret, and for a second he avoids the curiosity in Renjun’s gaze.

“I didn’t mean to kiss him, Jun. I didn’t... It just happened I...” Jeno is now crying, sobbing frantically in front of Renjun.

Nodding in understanding, Renjun spoke, “I see.” So that’s why Donghyuck is looking at him like he wanted to cry for Renjun. His best friend saw his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s best friend kissed.

“Please, I’m sorry. Forgive me. Do you trust me? Let’s fix this. Please don’t leave...”

Renjun, with his thumb, wiped the tears on Jeno’s cheeks. His touch so light like a feather, gentle and careful, afraid of that one accidental push that might cause Jeno to break.

Jeno leaned on the touch he’s been so familiar with all these years. “I love you, Injun.”

“I know you do,” Renjun whispered, a sad smile appearing on his face as he told his next words. “But you love Jaemin more.”

“No...”

Just when Renjun thought he had no more tears left to cry, there’s Jeno wiping away the tears on his cheek that finally show themselves after weeks.

Because it’s different. Crying for something that is still on the verge of saving despite being broken beyond repair. And crying for finally letting go.

“We promised each other always and forever, Renjun.”

“But I am not your always and forever, Jeno. Deep down you know that. Jaemin is your always as you are his forever. I am simply a bridge built so you two could admit your feelings for each other.”

It’s cruel, Renjun thinks. How fate works is cruel. How many hearts do people have to break before they found the one truly meant for them?

“Why are you being like this? Why do you have to do this? Why can’t we just fix us? I might have a little bit of feelings for Jaemin but... you are my dream, Jun. I thought you wanted a future with me. We promised each other...” Jeno sobbed, his voice breaking in the middle.

“That night... when Jaemin needs you. If I asked you to stay, will you?” Renjun looked Jeno in the eyes.

In the uncertainty that flashed Jeno’s orbs, Renjun found his answer.

“Hmm, I guess so.” There’s a bitter smile in Renjun’s lips when he said that. “So spare me the embarrassment, Lee Jeno. Let me keep what is so little left of my pride. Let me be the one to push you away this time."

In a voice so small, in between hiccups and the fading verse of the love song in TV, Jeno asked, “Are you really gonna let us go now?”

“Jeno, you already did the moment you fell in love with Jaemin.”

Renjun understands Jeno’s uncertainty and denial of feelings. For almost five years, he put so much in his relationship with Huang Renjun. That when he’s faced with the danger in the form of his love for his best friend, he’s not sure what to do with it. He chose Renjun because Renjun is the easy way. Because Renjun is certainty whereas Jaemin... Jaemin is _new_. And _risky_. And _difficult_.

“I am not your dream, Lee Jeno. I am simply an assurance, a backup plan once you missed reaching your _true_ desire. Don’t you think I deserve more than that?”

A part of Renjun wants to give in. A selfish part of him wants to take Jeno away from Jaemin and keep him to himself. That selfish part of him still chose to believe those promises made through the years of his relationship with the other. That part of him wants to hold on.

But Renjun? He loves Jeno more. So a week later he moves out. Leaving Jeno one last smile, one last hug, one last kiss, and maybe one last tear.

Because Renjun’s love for Jeno is too great to give in for his own selfish desires. So letting go is Renjun’s way of saying he loves him one last time. Because he wishes Jeno’s happiness more than anything else. More than his own even.

After all, the bravest thing one could do in the name of love... is letting go.

**Author's Note:**

> And there it goes. I hope you liked it! Lately, I’ve been such a sucker for NoRen though I’ve written this way beforeee, explains why it’s all angsty and such, haha. As of now while posting this, I wanna write a NoRen fluff, and maybe I will in the future. Who knows? Anyway, this one’s inspired by a song I listen to one night while scrolling through Youtube. After a little planning, voila! This came out! :) 
> 
> Do leave kudos and comments if you think this story deserves it. I promise to write more fluff in the future :(( It’s just angst has been calling me all the damn time (I gotta respond yo!). 
> 
> Oh, and the song in the busking part was Rainbow by South Border. You should listen to it if you’re having a bad time. It’s a really good song. :) 
> 
> Tell me if you want a sequel or something like that. I might think about it. The idea of a NoMin sequel “slightly” came into mind. Just slightly. Haha!
> 
> \- sungchan


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